Consciousness - the time between naps.

Accountant - someone you hire to explain that you didn't make the money you did.

Wedding - a funeral where you smell your own flowers.

Justice - a decision in your favor.

Paradox - two physicians.

Court of law - the place where a suit is pressed and a man can be taken to the cleaners.

Flattery - an insult in gift wrapping.

Alimony - the cost of loving

Capitalism - the survival of the fattest.

Impeccable: having immunity to woodpeckers.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.

A born loser: Somebody who calls the telephone number that's scrawled in lipstick on the phone booth wall -- and his wife answers.